It was very sad to leave Guatemala. Danny and I arrived at El Infinito yesterday afternoon and spent the evening eating delicious vegetarian food, jamming on the guitar, and watching The Big Bang Theory with Spanish subtitles. We left this morning from the city and arrived in Houston just about the time both of our flights were departing.
Danny luckily caught another flight at 9, I however am stuck in Houston, Texas. I still can't believe there were no other flights to O'Hare after 7:15pm. Ridiculous. So I had to shell out $70 for a hotel room in Houston. The cheapest one, they told me. I slept on an air mattress for free last night, the nights before I was in a mosquito infested dormitory for 35 quetzales, which is about $4-5. But I was fine with it. US prices make me sad.
So here I am, finally alone and in the USA and reflecting on this crazy month. I got to ride back from Guatemala to Houston with a missionary named Tony. He was from Wisconsin. We chatted about life and his work in an orphanage in Guatemala and my plans to live life and be faithful to God in the process. Things are just unpredictable right now. Who knows where I will be in a few months.
I very much miss my new friends in Guatemala and I miss Danny now too! I miss my casi-novio the most. Life will move on, but the heart will lag behind. I can't believe this month is over... can not.
6.30.2010
6.29.2010
Leaving Xela
So Danny and I are here in Lanquín which is close to Semuc Champey. We wrapped up our Spanish schooling in Xela on Friday and had a celebratory night out, like every friday night, and had a few drinks at the school, proceeded to salsa till 1, and got super satisfying street hot dogs before bed. Danny wouldn't agree as his was coated with plastic and he ate it and then un-ate it that same night... aww sad.
Sasha, Daniel, Danny, and I headed over to Antigua on Saturday. Saying goodbye to Mamá Cony and Papá Carlos was so sad. She almost cried and I almost cried as she waved from the door as we walked away down the street. They were the most adorable and loving family I've ever met. I was happy to be able to spend one more day and night with my besties from Xela.
We got to Antigua and proceeded to watch the US play in the World Cup, played 500 (my new favorite card game) for hours, got some coffee and played Ninja in the Central Park, then we found a fair on the outskirts of town where we did awesome bumper cars, fooseball, and ate trashing carnival food. The next morning, we went and got bagel sandwiches at a great bagel shop and played some more cards. We pranced around town taking pictures and had to part ways... traveling is wonderful to meet new people but when you actually build a relationship, it sucks to have to say goodbye.
The bus ride from Antigua to Semuc, we thought was 3 hours, but it turned out to be over 8 hours long... anyway we got here and it was worth the long ride. We all hopped in the back of a pick up truck, where over a dozen were standing in the back of the truck up and down gravel roads with steep slopes on the sides. We arrived at Semuc Champey and got to wade through dark caves while we were carrying candels and trying to swim at the same time. It was amazing with random waterfalls and sketchy ladders and free climbing bits. Afterwards we jumped off a rope swing and went tubing over the shortest rapids tubing bit I've ever done in my life, but still fun. Later we hiked to the top of the look out and saw the amazing pools of green water. We got to hike down and swim in them and jump off rocks and it was great...
Now Danny and I are tired and we will drive to the city tomorrow morning. I can't believe I'll be home in less than 48 hours.
Sasha, Daniel, Danny, and I headed over to Antigua on Saturday. Saying goodbye to Mamá Cony and Papá Carlos was so sad. She almost cried and I almost cried as she waved from the door as we walked away down the street. They were the most adorable and loving family I've ever met. I was happy to be able to spend one more day and night with my besties from Xela.
We got to Antigua and proceeded to watch the US play in the World Cup, played 500 (my new favorite card game) for hours, got some coffee and played Ninja in the Central Park, then we found a fair on the outskirts of town where we did awesome bumper cars, fooseball, and ate trashing carnival food. The next morning, we went and got bagel sandwiches at a great bagel shop and played some more cards. We pranced around town taking pictures and had to part ways... traveling is wonderful to meet new people but when you actually build a relationship, it sucks to have to say goodbye.
The bus ride from Antigua to Semuc, we thought was 3 hours, but it turned out to be over 8 hours long... anyway we got here and it was worth the long ride. We all hopped in the back of a pick up truck, where over a dozen were standing in the back of the truck up and down gravel roads with steep slopes on the sides. We arrived at Semuc Champey and got to wade through dark caves while we were carrying candels and trying to swim at the same time. It was amazing with random waterfalls and sketchy ladders and free climbing bits. Afterwards we jumped off a rope swing and went tubing over the shortest rapids tubing bit I've ever done in my life, but still fun. Later we hiked to the top of the look out and saw the amazing pools of green water. We got to hike down and swim in them and jump off rocks and it was great...
Now Danny and I are tired and we will drive to the city tomorrow morning. I can't believe I'll be home in less than 48 hours.
6.16.2010
I'm sooo excited Danny's here!!
I can't believe we're almost half way into the 2nd week here. Danny just arrived on Sunday and it feels great to have another friend here to meet all the other friends I've made! We're making plans for this weekend which will be epic, but we're also enjoying the day to days.
Newest fun adventure has been starting yoga. I'm about to leave in a few minutes to go to my 2nd session ever. It's a great way to be intentional with my breath and a very spiritual way to focus. Jim Kast-Keat, you need to start the 56ers on yoga during Stop And Breath... haha.
We climbed the mountain again except jogged up it, almost died on the concrete slides with smashed pop bottles as tobagons (so fast!), and ran down it. Tomorrow is more soccer, pool, and karoake. Friday is more soccer, salsa, and more salsa.
The Guatemalan fling has come to an end. Although I greatly admire my Guatemalteco dreamboat it wasn't a good idea. I've heard so many love stories here and have been reflecting a lot on relationships in family, spouses, lovers, and friends. I am so grateful to be able to be here and to hear the stories of others.
There may or may not be an Australian with an Australian/British accent liking on me at the school. I may or may not like him back. This trip is seriously like a Tela Novela...
Newest fun adventure has been starting yoga. I'm about to leave in a few minutes to go to my 2nd session ever. It's a great way to be intentional with my breath and a very spiritual way to focus. Jim Kast-Keat, you need to start the 56ers on yoga during Stop And Breath... haha.
We climbed the mountain again except jogged up it, almost died on the concrete slides with smashed pop bottles as tobagons (so fast!), and ran down it. Tomorrow is more soccer, pool, and karoake. Friday is more soccer, salsa, and more salsa.
The Guatemalan fling has come to an end. Although I greatly admire my Guatemalteco dreamboat it wasn't a good idea. I've heard so many love stories here and have been reflecting a lot on relationships in family, spouses, lovers, and friends. I am so grateful to be able to be here and to hear the stories of others.
There may or may not be an Australian with an Australian/British accent liking on me at the school. I may or may not like him back. This trip is seriously like a Tela Novela...
6.11.2010
Comida y Cerveza
It's the end of the week. I can't believe how much Spanish I've been speaking. All the time! I am so tired by the end of the night because I'm trying so hard all day.
Yesterday our school played against another school in soccer. It was fantastic. We won 8 to 2 or something, with less people.
My mom here is amazing Mamá Cony. She feeds me like crazy. I am definitely not losing weight over here with tortillas, frijoles, queso, and endless aguacates (avacadoes) like all the time. I feel like I'm always full.
I may or may not have a Guatemalan fling going on.
Tonight we get to learn how to dance salsa. Many people from the school will head out dancing later tonight after some good Guatemalan beer. This weekend will be a lot of the World Cup and probably more cerveza.
I like it here.
Yesterday our school played against another school in soccer. It was fantastic. We won 8 to 2 or something, with less people.
My mom here is amazing Mamá Cony. She feeds me like crazy. I am definitely not losing weight over here with tortillas, frijoles, queso, and endless aguacates (avacadoes) like all the time. I feel like I'm always full.
I may or may not have a Guatemalan fling going on.
Tonight we get to learn how to dance salsa. Many people from the school will head out dancing later tonight after some good Guatemalan beer. This weekend will be a lot of the World Cup and probably more cerveza.
I like it here.
6.08.2010
Zapatos por los niños
Last night was fun. I met José Enrique and his friend Pablo last night and began sharing awesome music. I love that the topics of conversation that can make strangers friends are music, religion, and politics. However... they can also break things off rather quickly too... I must be running into some luck.
Class has been great. Jacquie, my teacher is so nice and she's 29 so we just laugh and talk the whole time. My spanish is already getting much better and I finally have a little confianza (confidence). Today we played Scrabble in Español against Heber and his student, Daniel.
After school, Heber and I went to meet his brother Rene to pass out school supplies, clothes, and zapatos (shoes) to little kids from the neighboring barrio, Chajabal. The children are very poor and Heber and his brother are starting an organization to provide scholarships of sorts, to help the kids in their education. We took the all famous Chicken Bus to the top of the mountain and there was an amazing view. It felt great to be like a typical Guatemalan and not feel like such a tourist. After passing out the gifts, we walked back down the mountain and caught a ride in the back of a pick up. I love how things here are so simple and often times quite dirty, but people are still content and friendly. It's truly inspiring. I already feel like this country is working in my heart.
Class has been great. Jacquie, my teacher is so nice and she's 29 so we just laugh and talk the whole time. My spanish is already getting much better and I finally have a little confianza (confidence). Today we played Scrabble in Español against Heber and his student, Daniel.
After school, Heber and I went to meet his brother Rene to pass out school supplies, clothes, and zapatos (shoes) to little kids from the neighboring barrio, Chajabal. The children are very poor and Heber and his brother are starting an organization to provide scholarships of sorts, to help the kids in their education. We took the all famous Chicken Bus to the top of the mountain and there was an amazing view. It felt great to be like a typical Guatemalan and not feel like such a tourist. After passing out the gifts, we walked back down the mountain and caught a ride in the back of a pick up. I love how things here are so simple and often times quite dirty, but people are still content and friendly. It's truly inspiring. I already feel like this country is working in my heart.
6.07.2010
Mi viaje de la ciudad de Guatemala a Quetzaltenango
I had a great time on Saturday hanging out with my new friends. Guille and I went to a panaderìa to pick up organic bread for his restaurant and met Maria and her German friend Ava for lunch at a Vegetarian Restaurant called El Rey Sol. Maria, Guille, and I continued on to the central market to buy fresh fruit. Yes I get to eat fresh mango and avacados whenever I want to for way cheaper than you. Be jealous.
Later, I needed to pick up some Gallo cervezas from the store and some chocolate ice cream for Gregor because he had swollen tonsils. I went with Ricardo, my new 42 year old Guatemalan friend. He was very friendly and we enjoyed running typical errands together. Later we went to see Recuerdame (Remember Me) in the movie theater. There is no shame in seeing an American movie in a foreign country the 1st day there... stop judging. We returned and had a family dinner with everyone in the house. Mario and Linda, Ava and Fernando, Guille and Maria, Gregor, Ricardo, and myself. After dinner, Ricardo and I stayed up late talking about life and God and he was very sad to see me leave the next morning.
Sunday morning, we had a wonderful breakfast together. New friends Pedro and Brex, 2 DJs from Xela, were in town and stayed at the house that night. We were all sharing delicious breakfast together when Pedro, Gregor, and I began talking about medication, healthcare, belief systems, metaphysics, and free will. It was pretty heavy conversation for desayuno but great none the less. After breakfast, I said my goodbyes. Most sad to see Gregor go... Pedro, Brex, and I crammed in their little Fiat for the 4 hour drive to Xela.
The drive to Xela was long and windy in the mountains. Effects of La Tormenta Agatha were ridiculous. I saw a basketball court with 6 feet of dirt on it by the side of the road. There were still some slide remnants in oncoming lanes so we would be driving in the dark, with fog, with oncoming traffic weaving in and out of our lanes. Pedro and Brex weren't concerned because, apparently it's normal. I would have been more frightened but let's be honest, my driving makes me fit right in here in the developing world... Pedro and Brex have great taste in music by the way. I can't wait to catch a show sometime while I'm here.
I arrived in Xela late at night at El Infinito, the original Veggie Lounge restaurant in Xela that inspired Guille & Fernando's place. They set me up with their neighbor Couchsurfer friend Jimmy. He's an awesome mestizo man that runs a culture center where there was a reggae concert just the other week. The culture center is a hostel as well. Jimmy is also awesome because he owns a farm outside of the town where he breeds horses and dogs. I hope I can ride some horses later this month...
This morning, I awoke and walked to my school to meet my teacher, Jacquie, for the first time. It was certainly overwhelming only speaking Spanish all morning, but I'll have to get used to it I suppose. In the afternoon, I met my familia. Mama Cony, Papa Carlos, and their two daughters Cecilia (14) and Dulce (16). They complimented my Spanish and said they normally get people who are much worse at Spanish. haha.
This afternoon, I hiked montaña el Baul with friends from the school, Daniel from Australia, Ivan from Austria, and a teacher at the school named Heber. We had some great talks in our terrible Spanish. We proceeded to climb a giant Mayan tomb while police drove by... on the other side. We also played on some concrete slides. I love how dangerous but acceptable most things are in Guatemala. Now I am in an internet cafe in Xela with Heber.
Now to find my way home... I hate being so bad with directions.
Later, I needed to pick up some Gallo cervezas from the store and some chocolate ice cream for Gregor because he had swollen tonsils. I went with Ricardo, my new 42 year old Guatemalan friend. He was very friendly and we enjoyed running typical errands together. Later we went to see Recuerdame (Remember Me) in the movie theater. There is no shame in seeing an American movie in a foreign country the 1st day there... stop judging. We returned and had a family dinner with everyone in the house. Mario and Linda, Ava and Fernando, Guille and Maria, Gregor, Ricardo, and myself. After dinner, Ricardo and I stayed up late talking about life and God and he was very sad to see me leave the next morning.
Sunday morning, we had a wonderful breakfast together. New friends Pedro and Brex, 2 DJs from Xela, were in town and stayed at the house that night. We were all sharing delicious breakfast together when Pedro, Gregor, and I began talking about medication, healthcare, belief systems, metaphysics, and free will. It was pretty heavy conversation for desayuno but great none the less. After breakfast, I said my goodbyes. Most sad to see Gregor go... Pedro, Brex, and I crammed in their little Fiat for the 4 hour drive to Xela.
The drive to Xela was long and windy in the mountains. Effects of La Tormenta Agatha were ridiculous. I saw a basketball court with 6 feet of dirt on it by the side of the road. There were still some slide remnants in oncoming lanes so we would be driving in the dark, with fog, with oncoming traffic weaving in and out of our lanes. Pedro and Brex weren't concerned because, apparently it's normal. I would have been more frightened but let's be honest, my driving makes me fit right in here in the developing world... Pedro and Brex have great taste in music by the way. I can't wait to catch a show sometime while I'm here.
I arrived in Xela late at night at El Infinito, the original Veggie Lounge restaurant in Xela that inspired Guille & Fernando's place. They set me up with their neighbor Couchsurfer friend Jimmy. He's an awesome mestizo man that runs a culture center where there was a reggae concert just the other week. The culture center is a hostel as well. Jimmy is also awesome because he owns a farm outside of the town where he breeds horses and dogs. I hope I can ride some horses later this month...
This morning, I awoke and walked to my school to meet my teacher, Jacquie, for the first time. It was certainly overwhelming only speaking Spanish all morning, but I'll have to get used to it I suppose. In the afternoon, I met my familia. Mama Cony, Papa Carlos, and their two daughters Cecilia (14) and Dulce (16). They complimented my Spanish and said they normally get people who are much worse at Spanish. haha.
This afternoon, I hiked montaña el Baul with friends from the school, Daniel from Australia, Ivan from Austria, and a teacher at the school named Heber. We had some great talks in our terrible Spanish. We proceeded to climb a giant Mayan tomb while police drove by... on the other side. We also played on some concrete slides. I love how dangerous but acceptable most things are in Guatemala. Now I am in an internet cafe in Xela with Heber.
Now to find my way home... I hate being so bad with directions.
6.05.2010
In the City of Sinkholes...
I arrived safe and sound! I had such a great time getting to O'Hare with all of the Chicago commuters yesterday. I have not ridden the train or subway in Chicago before, but I felt like one of the hard working Americans riding from Michigan City to Chicago. I emerged from the station into the center of downtown Chicago with the hustle and bustle of taxis, cars, and people walking to work. I just stopped on a corner and soaked it in. I could get used to living in a big city. So much energy! Then I arrived at O'Hare via the subway and hung out in the airport for 4 hour. Yesterday was a long day of trains, walking, subways, layovers, connections, delays, and finally my arrival in Guatemala City. I'm ready to settle in here and not think about leaving for an entire month.
So let me be honest, Couchsurfing is scary and so is traveling to Guatemala, but... what is life if you live it in fear of everything? I like to think that we can walk that border between carelessness and trust a little bit closer. However, with a last minute change in plans for arrival into the city at night, I was very scared that I would have to make arrangement from the airport when I arrived. However, Guille Fuentes, a 26 year old graphic designer living above a Veggie Lounge "El Infinito" contacted me in time and said I could stay at his place. I was nervous because he didn't have many referances on his profile and only 1 friend, but I was almost out of luck... So I awaited a possible pickup at the airport from a stranger.
On the plane from Houston, I got to sit by 2 lovely Texan ladies, Jeanie and Rosemary. Jeanie was an 8 day creationist: "Did you know that God created the whole world in 6 days and on the 7th day he rested? Then on the 8th day, he created Texas." hehe. They were both working for a non-profit which helps organize surgeons to come and fix cleft palates and other surgeries. I spoke with them about my career options and they said that if I do end up becoming a surgeon, I'm hired :)
I arrived at te airport and exited to be greated by a gated off area where taxi and bus drivers and awaiting people are looking for their people of interest. Needless to say, it's a bit overwhelming being greeted by tons of Guatemalan faces when you don't even know who you are looking for. Thankfully, Guille and his girlfriend Maria greeted me with a big sign reading "JEENA."
We arrived at the vegetarian restaurant and it is an adorable thing to behold. Such a small little place, created and run by Guille and his brother Fernando. I even get my own room. I'll probably stay till Sunday. Lots of friends come here and some random folk live here too. A friend, Jose and his girlfriend/wife have a little baby. Jose was very friendly and would struggle with his English as I would struggle with my Spanish. Mario lives here, and plays the guitar. Maria, Guille's girlfriend lives here and she teaches elementary school. Her ex-boyfriend Gregor from Germany is visiting. We stayed up till 2 last night talking about religion, family, politics, traveling, and countless other things. Ricardo is Guille's animator friend. He's very funny and super laid back. Anyway, I'm excited to spend the day hanging out with these folk. We'll probably have a small party and maybe a jam session on their guitars later today. I had nothing to worry about. Everyone is so wonderful and giving.
I woke up to sunshine and traffic at 8am this morning. Guille made me breakfast of cinammon pancakes with homemade yogurt, granola, chocolate syrup, honey, banana, and mango on top. Wow. My heart is happy.
Can't wait to see what we do next. Now I'll go read by the window for a little while :)
So let me be honest, Couchsurfing is scary and so is traveling to Guatemala, but... what is life if you live it in fear of everything? I like to think that we can walk that border between carelessness and trust a little bit closer. However, with a last minute change in plans for arrival into the city at night, I was very scared that I would have to make arrangement from the airport when I arrived. However, Guille Fuentes, a 26 year old graphic designer living above a Veggie Lounge "El Infinito" contacted me in time and said I could stay at his place. I was nervous because he didn't have many referances on his profile and only 1 friend, but I was almost out of luck... So I awaited a possible pickup at the airport from a stranger.
On the plane from Houston, I got to sit by 2 lovely Texan ladies, Jeanie and Rosemary. Jeanie was an 8 day creationist: "Did you know that God created the whole world in 6 days and on the 7th day he rested? Then on the 8th day, he created Texas." hehe. They were both working for a non-profit which helps organize surgeons to come and fix cleft palates and other surgeries. I spoke with them about my career options and they said that if I do end up becoming a surgeon, I'm hired :)
I arrived at te airport and exited to be greated by a gated off area where taxi and bus drivers and awaiting people are looking for their people of interest. Needless to say, it's a bit overwhelming being greeted by tons of Guatemalan faces when you don't even know who you are looking for. Thankfully, Guille and his girlfriend Maria greeted me with a big sign reading "JEENA."
We arrived at the vegetarian restaurant and it is an adorable thing to behold. Such a small little place, created and run by Guille and his brother Fernando. I even get my own room. I'll probably stay till Sunday. Lots of friends come here and some random folk live here too. A friend, Jose and his girlfriend/wife have a little baby. Jose was very friendly and would struggle with his English as I would struggle with my Spanish. Mario lives here, and plays the guitar. Maria, Guille's girlfriend lives here and she teaches elementary school. Her ex-boyfriend Gregor from Germany is visiting. We stayed up till 2 last night talking about religion, family, politics, traveling, and countless other things. Ricardo is Guille's animator friend. He's very funny and super laid back. Anyway, I'm excited to spend the day hanging out with these folk. We'll probably have a small party and maybe a jam session on their guitars later today. I had nothing to worry about. Everyone is so wonderful and giving.
I woke up to sunshine and traffic at 8am this morning. Guille made me breakfast of cinammon pancakes with homemade yogurt, granola, chocolate syrup, honey, banana, and mango on top. Wow. My heart is happy.
Can't wait to see what we do next. Now I'll go read by the window for a little while :)
5.19.2010
ending another chapter
Today is the day that I graduate from Calvin College for a second time...
Here I sit, in the art gallery, contemplating the purpose of this year. It's been quite the journey. I kicked organic chemistry's ass (twice), I juggled the art gallery, a ridiculous physiology class, volunteering in the hospital during the wee hours of the morning, grading two engineering classes, rocking an engineering internship, catching up in biochemistry, playing four square with Mars Hill 5th and 6 graders, following doctors, interviewing for jobs, and cramming for the MCAT. This year was unlike any other, because I only had this year to prove to those med schools that I was meant for their school. That I had what it took to be a great doctor, maybe even a great surgeon. I sacrificed time, family, friends, and cleanliness (let's be honest), for the sake of proving a point.
Yesterday, I got my MCAT score back. The long anticipated number that determines my worth as a human being (exaggeration). The number that sets me apart from the mediocre bunch that just dreams of acceptance. The number that is in itself a stepping stool into the school of my choice. The number that determines whether I can continue my walk in this direction. Considering how great I felt the day I took the test, I just knew that I would do great. I've trained my whole life for success in school and after 19 years, I've finally got it down... or so I thought.
This year, I have been praying to God for His direction. All year I have felt affirmed in coming back to Calvin and have been so encouraged by His steady hand as I have walked this course. I have felt a passion for the material that I have learned in a way that I had never felt for engineering. The deepest desire of my heart is to keep learning and keep pursuing knowledge, while also living and serving in the ways that give God the glory. When I took the MCAT, friends and family prayed that God direct my path and that the results of the test would be according to His will.
The MCAT score was posted at 5pm on May 18. I left the house to workout and prayed that whatever the scores were, I would have a clear next step to take. I got home, tired from my run, and opened my laptop to face my future. I pulled open the web browser, signed in, and there on the screen were The Numbers. My heart sank. They were lower than all of my practice exams. There was no excuse. I hadn't been ill or anxious or distracted during the test. I had performed uncharacteristically poor on the most important test I have ever taken in my life. It was like I was punched in the gut. And in a way I was, with a big fist called humility.
My initial thoughts were, "How am I going to be able to face people with scores like this?" and "I'm so disappointed in myself, I KNOW I can do better than this! I HAVE done better than this!" My next thought was, "Okay, what are we gong to do now? We'll retake it in July and still apply on time. It's going to be okay."
I spoke with my pre-med advisor today. I sat in tears as I admitted my failure. He encouraged me not to give up and not to rush the process, but take a year to focus on the MCAT. He said that this score does not indicate who I am. He encouraged me and said that I would make a great physician and would be a great asset to the medical community. And I responded by saying, "But I'm not sure I want it if I have to wait 2 years for it." He said, "I can't answer that for you, but I can tell you that you will be great at it if you do set out to do it." But just because I could do it, does not mean I should do it.
Medical school is a huge commitment. I'm competing against students whose parents are both doctors and who have wanted to be physicians since they could talk. Medical school to me, merely seemed like the next logical choice for continued education that is rigorous and challenging. But as I've stepped back from the pettiness of my desire to go to med school for the sake of proving to myself and to others that I can make it there, I've realized that I am not certain that the end goal is one that I would even want. It seems that God has placed a giant road block in my way and I have fallen down on my ass and am looking up with tearful eyes asking God where am I supposed to go if I can't go that way?...
This could be a very important test of my faith. A death to my selfish and prideful ways. A challenge to step back, and be faithful. My typical response would be, "Of course I can do better! I'm going to retake that test and do awesome and be on my way." But I have not felt at peace about medical school yet in this journey. Maybe it's time to shut up and listen. Whether that be for a year or more.
I will continue to seek out direction in the coming months, or years if that's what it takes. I actually liked studying for the MCAT and the challenge of that intense test is exhilarating to me... but maybe I'm not even supposed to take it again. Biomedical engineering grad school is also on my heart. Either way, this year has not been a waste. I would not be applicable for grad school in this area without having taken the classes that I did. But maybe these two options are not the only options.
Now that this chapter is ending... I hope to enter a new chapter of more intentional relationships, of a more focused pursuit of God, of plein air painting and taking trips, of reading and praying, of living and being. The biggest lesson I've learned this year, at the cost of a full-year's tuition at Calvin College, was that life is not worth living if you don't live it with others for God.
Here I sit, in the art gallery, contemplating the purpose of this year. It's been quite the journey. I kicked organic chemistry's ass (twice), I juggled the art gallery, a ridiculous physiology class, volunteering in the hospital during the wee hours of the morning, grading two engineering classes, rocking an engineering internship, catching up in biochemistry, playing four square with Mars Hill 5th and 6 graders, following doctors, interviewing for jobs, and cramming for the MCAT. This year was unlike any other, because I only had this year to prove to those med schools that I was meant for their school. That I had what it took to be a great doctor, maybe even a great surgeon. I sacrificed time, family, friends, and cleanliness (let's be honest), for the sake of proving a point.
Yesterday, I got my MCAT score back. The long anticipated number that determines my worth as a human being (exaggeration). The number that sets me apart from the mediocre bunch that just dreams of acceptance. The number that is in itself a stepping stool into the school of my choice. The number that determines whether I can continue my walk in this direction. Considering how great I felt the day I took the test, I just knew that I would do great. I've trained my whole life for success in school and after 19 years, I've finally got it down... or so I thought.
This year, I have been praying to God for His direction. All year I have felt affirmed in coming back to Calvin and have been so encouraged by His steady hand as I have walked this course. I have felt a passion for the material that I have learned in a way that I had never felt for engineering. The deepest desire of my heart is to keep learning and keep pursuing knowledge, while also living and serving in the ways that give God the glory. When I took the MCAT, friends and family prayed that God direct my path and that the results of the test would be according to His will.
The MCAT score was posted at 5pm on May 18. I left the house to workout and prayed that whatever the scores were, I would have a clear next step to take. I got home, tired from my run, and opened my laptop to face my future. I pulled open the web browser, signed in, and there on the screen were The Numbers. My heart sank. They were lower than all of my practice exams. There was no excuse. I hadn't been ill or anxious or distracted during the test. I had performed uncharacteristically poor on the most important test I have ever taken in my life. It was like I was punched in the gut. And in a way I was, with a big fist called humility.
My initial thoughts were, "How am I going to be able to face people with scores like this?" and "I'm so disappointed in myself, I KNOW I can do better than this! I HAVE done better than this!" My next thought was, "Okay, what are we gong to do now? We'll retake it in July and still apply on time. It's going to be okay."
I spoke with my pre-med advisor today. I sat in tears as I admitted my failure. He encouraged me not to give up and not to rush the process, but take a year to focus on the MCAT. He said that this score does not indicate who I am. He encouraged me and said that I would make a great physician and would be a great asset to the medical community. And I responded by saying, "But I'm not sure I want it if I have to wait 2 years for it." He said, "I can't answer that for you, but I can tell you that you will be great at it if you do set out to do it." But just because I could do it, does not mean I should do it.
Medical school is a huge commitment. I'm competing against students whose parents are both doctors and who have wanted to be physicians since they could talk. Medical school to me, merely seemed like the next logical choice for continued education that is rigorous and challenging. But as I've stepped back from the pettiness of my desire to go to med school for the sake of proving to myself and to others that I can make it there, I've realized that I am not certain that the end goal is one that I would even want. It seems that God has placed a giant road block in my way and I have fallen down on my ass and am looking up with tearful eyes asking God where am I supposed to go if I can't go that way?...
This could be a very important test of my faith. A death to my selfish and prideful ways. A challenge to step back, and be faithful. My typical response would be, "Of course I can do better! I'm going to retake that test and do awesome and be on my way." But I have not felt at peace about medical school yet in this journey. Maybe it's time to shut up and listen. Whether that be for a year or more.
I will continue to seek out direction in the coming months, or years if that's what it takes. I actually liked studying for the MCAT and the challenge of that intense test is exhilarating to me... but maybe I'm not even supposed to take it again. Biomedical engineering grad school is also on my heart. Either way, this year has not been a waste. I would not be applicable for grad school in this area without having taken the classes that I did. But maybe these two options are not the only options.
Now that this chapter is ending... I hope to enter a new chapter of more intentional relationships, of a more focused pursuit of God, of plein air painting and taking trips, of reading and praying, of living and being. The biggest lesson I've learned this year, at the cost of a full-year's tuition at Calvin College, was that life is not worth living if you don't live it with others for God.
3.03.2010
insightful & uninsightful
I put a lot of pressure on myself when I started a blog. I wanted it to be a place to document my dialogues with friends, family, strangers, and within my own head. However, I put too much pressure on myself to only blog about insightful topics and new ideas that inspire me. The tragic reality is that my life is filled with monotony and very ordinary conversations and thoughts. Through these day to day reflections though, there might be a glimmer of insight, but maybe not. Writing my thoughts and posting them onto the web will benefit me more than anyone else, and so I'm going to try to discipline myself to spare some time to reflect. If not for me, then for those who want to keep up in my crazy life.
So I decided to give up internet television for Lent.
(!)
It will give me more free time to spend with people, to seek God, to reflect, and to pray. However, you don't even know how much tv I watch. It's kind of ridiculous. I've had the tv on while I do school work since I was in middle school. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself at this point... I guess we'll see!
1.04.2010
life & living
The holiday break is over and we're all back to living our lives in our routines. Some of us are back in school (not I, hurray), and some of use are back at our desks (that's me, sad day). I can't decide if Christmas break is actually relaxing for most people. People are driving around from in-law to in-law and this party to this obligation... Not for me though. Christmas was spent amongst friends and in-laws of my sister. Strange, but still a lovely time. However, only for Christmas Eve and Day was there really time to breath.
The week before Christmas, I had the privilege of following several doctors and surgeons. I visited Dr. Ron Hofman at Alger Pediatrics all day Monday. He is a wise, brilliant, and caring man. I respect him a lot and it was great to see the joy that he was able to bring to every patient and parent he spoke with. Tuesday, I did rounds with an RN named Betty on the cardiac floors of Spectrum. I watched a few interventional cardiologist do cardiac artery catheterizations for patients with heart problems. However, Wednesday was the day of all days. I drove to Kalamazoo to watch a 7:15 am surgery with Dr. Mark Veenstra. I got to stay there all day and watch several rotator cuff, tennis elbow, ACL, cataract, and even tummy tuck surgeries. It amazed me. I want to do that! (minus the tummy tuck...) So for now, my eyes are set on that operating room. That is where I want to be. I think my hands were made to preserve life. Way cooler than manufacturing rearview mirrors.
It's January and a typical Calvin student enjoys Interim as he or she is able to spend more time with friends and not be so challenged academically. However I'm working 8-5 pm in Zeeland everyday and at the art gallery 7-9 pm several days a week. I'm find myself studying for the MCAT on my lunch break and thinking about the intensity of the semester coming nearer everyday. Hospital volunteering, engineering research, more organic chemistry, grading, and more work work work are all going to come and beat me to a pulp. I've signed up for this. It's the challenge of proving that you're worthy to go to medical school in only a year. But what about actually living?
What's the point of living in a big Eastown house full of the most amazing female friends you've ever met if you never can spend time with them? What's the point of still being a student at a college with one of the best climbing walls in the state if you don't make time to enjoy it? What's the point of living so near your family if you never go home?
What's a life without living? Simplicity. Balance. Peace. These are my stepping stones toward living better.
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