ending another chapter

Today is the day that I graduate from Calvin College for a second time...

Here I sit, in the art gallery, contemplating the purpose of this year. It's been quite the journey. I kicked organic chemistry's ass (twice), I juggled the art gallery, a ridiculous physiology class, volunteering in the hospital during the wee hours of the morning, grading two engineering classes, rocking an engineering internship, catching up in biochemistry, playing four square with Mars Hill 5th and 6 graders, following doctors, interviewing for jobs, and cramming for the MCAT. This year was unlike any other, because I only had this year to prove to those med schools that I was meant for their school. That I had what it took to be a great doctor, maybe even a great surgeon. I sacrificed time, family, friends, and cleanliness (let's be honest), for the sake of proving a point.

Yesterday, I got my MCAT score back. The long anticipated number that determines my worth as a human being (exaggeration). The number that sets me apart from the mediocre bunch that just dreams of acceptance. The number that is in itself a stepping stool into the school of my choice. The number that determines whether I can continue my walk in this direction. Considering how great I felt the day I took the test, I just knew that I would do great. I've trained my whole life for success in school and after 19 years, I've finally got it down... or so I thought.

This year, I have been praying to God for His direction. All year I have felt affirmed in coming back to Calvin and have been so encouraged by His steady hand as I have walked this course. I have felt a passion for the material that I have learned in a way that I had never felt for engineering. The deepest desire of my heart is to keep learning and keep pursuing knowledge, while also living and serving in the ways that give God the glory. When I took the MCAT, friends and family prayed that God direct my path and that the results of the test would be according to His will.

The MCAT score was posted at 5pm on May 18. I left the house to workout and prayed that whatever the scores were, I would have a clear next step to take. I got home, tired from my run, and opened my laptop to face my future. I pulled open the web browser, signed in, and there on the screen were The Numbers. My heart sank. They were lower than all of my practice exams. There was no excuse. I hadn't been ill or anxious or distracted during the test. I had performed uncharacteristically poor on the most important test I have ever taken in my life. It was like I was punched in the gut. And in a way I was, with a big fist called humility.

My initial thoughts were, "How am I going to be able to face people with scores like this?" and "I'm so disappointed in myself, I KNOW I can do better than this! I HAVE done better than this!" My next thought was, "Okay, what are we gong to do now? We'll retake it in July and still apply on time. It's going to be okay."

I spoke with my pre-med advisor today. I sat in tears as I admitted my failure. He encouraged me not to give up and not to rush the process, but take a year to focus on the MCAT. He said that this score does not indicate who I am. He encouraged me and said that I would make a great physician and would be a great asset to the medical community. And I responded by saying, "But I'm not sure I want it if I have to wait 2 years for it." He said, "I can't answer that for you, but I can tell you that you will be great at it if you do set out to do it." But just because I could do it, does not mean I should do it.

Medical school is a huge commitment. I'm competing against students whose parents are both doctors and who have wanted to be physicians since they could talk. Medical school to me, merely seemed like the next logical choice for continued education that is rigorous and challenging. But as I've stepped back from the pettiness of my desire to go to med school for the sake of proving to myself and to others that I can make it there, I've realized that I am not certain that the end goal is one that I would even want. It seems that God has placed a giant road block in my way and I have fallen down on my ass and am looking up with tearful eyes asking God where am I supposed to go if I can't go that way?...

This could be a very important test of my faith. A death to my selfish and prideful ways. A challenge to step back, and be faithful. My typical response would be, "Of course I can do better! I'm going to retake that test and do awesome and be on my way." But I have not felt at peace about medical school yet in this journey. Maybe it's time to shut up and listen. Whether that be for a year or more.

I will continue to seek out direction in the coming months, or years if that's what it takes. I actually liked studying for the MCAT and the challenge of that intense test is exhilarating to me... but maybe I'm not even supposed to take it again. Biomedical engineering grad school is also on my heart. Either way, this year has not been a waste. I would not be applicable for grad school in this area without having taken the classes that I did. But maybe these two options are not the only options.

Now that this chapter is ending... I hope to enter a new chapter of more intentional relationships, of a more focused pursuit of God, of plein air painting and taking trips, of reading and praying, of living and being. The biggest lesson I've learned this year, at the cost of a full-year's tuition at Calvin College, was that life is not worth living if you don't live it with others for God.