It's All Futile

I began writing in this blog when I decided to return to school to pursue medicine. I looked at the future through bright eyes and saw all of the magical possibilities of life --all only a fingertip away.

I traveled to Guatemala for a month. I experienced another culture. Another part of me. I think I even wanted to fall in love. Then that month was over and the "real world" took its toll. 

My new job in the hospital was exciting at first. Working in surgery made me feel like that was where I should be. Seeing the hands of the surgeons made me envy the work that they were doing. Being amongst the many people involved with health care made me feel a part of this giant community of servants. These feelings didn't last long...

As I soaked in knowledge from my peers, observed the doctors & nurses, and shared feelings with my coworkers, I realized that the shiny diamond hospital that I had constructed in my mind had fallen to pieces before my eyes. 

The surgeons and doctors that I met revealed the ugly side of the profession: the stress, the time commitment, the lack of balance, the egomaniacs, the anger, the despair, and the infidelity. These are not a part of every doctor's life. They are even a part of other people's lives who have not sacrificed so much time and money into their career. However, I had coasted through my pre-med year thinking that I was above it all and could be different. I think I just realized that it could be me. I could see my life spiraling into that too. It made me question my motives for going into medicine. It made me doubt myself.

I found myself surrounded by people that did not understand what I was doing with my life. I was floundering for direction and people could see that. I had peers that threw me under the bus and spoke ill of me. I had people older than me looking down on me because I am young. How did I find myself in a place where people didn't like me? It hurt. It sucked. My engineering degree was hanging around my neck. I didn't need to talk about it. People knew. People didn't seem to like that part of me. Why was I in an entry level job in the hospital again? Everyone wondered. I even had to wonder. I had wanted to learn. But I wasn't prepared for that type of learning...  

I was working on a project to incorporate, ever so nicely, my education and engineering experience with my new position. I was asked to do it and was eager to use my talents and interests in a job that had quickly become routine. There were no incentives to do it, but just the determination of doing what I think God made me to do. However, being disliked for my work and being misunderstood because of it were not encouraging reasons to continue this seemingly futile work.

Through this process, I found a Masters program that seemed perfect for me. It would train me clinically and put my pre-med to use, even though I wasn't sure I even wanted to do clinical work. It would pay bank and get my loans paid off. Let's be honest, it was a stretch, but it made sense at the time. In short, I applied but a professor's reference was sent late. No word back. And yet I continued to seek out the next possibility to get out of where I was, but to put it to use so it wasn't a waste.

And here I am. Still working nights in the hospital and still clinging to the newest dream in store. I stumbled upon a degree that put a new picture in my mind. A Master of Science in Industrial Engineering and Operations Management. This program would tie in my industrial engineering work experience and desire to work in management. The hope was to use that degree to be educated in the principles that I would like to help incorporate into the healthcare field. The beauty of this program is that it does not require the GRE (which I had not taken), is only a year program, and (*drum roll please) is conveniently located in the center of the United Kingdom! This program would, ideally, satiate my desire to live abroad, to travel to Ireland, England, Spain, Italy, & Greece, and to dive back into academia (I miss it dearly). How perfect. Afterwards, I could work in a hospital in management and gain my Masters in Health Administration. The hospital would even help pay for it! What a carefully calculated plan you've come up with, Jeena! Two Masters degrees? Really? Is that necessary? Sure! I want my cake and I want to eat it. All of it. 

At this point in the long journey of seeking God's direction for my life... the good friends step in to say, "Jeena, stop planning." To which I respond, "I can't! That's what I do! I seek God's will actively. There's nothing wrong with that!" "Well Jeena, maybe you're supposed to be exactly where you are for awhile. Ever think that maybe you're supposed to be in the hospital on nights for, *gasp* maybe another year?" "No."

Even the writing of my experience is in past tense. Maybe an underlying hope that this time in my life will pass. But there is good there too! But there's bad there too. And I don't know what I'm doing with my life. So many reasons to keep planning and dreaming and hoping for something different.

...

And then, today, He spoke! God reached down into my chest and ripped out my heart. He literally heart transplanted me, all the time saying "I am in control."

The series at church has been on Ecclesiastes the past few weeks. We have been talking about how the efforts of our days are meaningless. How even the righteous might still get screwed over. How the effort and time that we put into our work might be passed along to someone who has not earned it. It all resonated with me. And then we spoke of experiencing that eternal/timeless joy of God now in our hearts and I said "Yes! I want that!" But I didn't know how. 

We continued talking about even though some things are temporary, it does not mean that they are meaningless. NOW is the time to enjoy life. And I respond with, "Yes! Okay! Now it is! And by "now" you mean after I get out of my misery and into the next bright step to my shiny future, right?"

And today, we ended the series with communion. And a prayerful release it was.

Let me share the notes that I wrote from this service:

You can't control how the wind blows, how people receive you, or what the outcome will be. The outcome of your efforts may NOT be a success. It may just blow up in your face. You are actually more POWERLESS than you might like to admit. It is in God's control.

All there is left to do is to give the gift. Acknowledge the futility. Surrender your desired outcome. Then, you are free to enjoy. Then, maybe you can help someone else. Face the possibility of your powerlessness.

Don't go charging in to solve all of the problems. Realize that you may work your whole life for a goal without your desired outcome. Having this perspective will allow you to enjoy the ride and acknowledge that it's all out of your control. 

STOP CLINGING TO YOUR PLAN. It is all about joy and a glad heart RIGHT NOW!

Are you so caught up in the outcomes that you are hindering joy? Be free now.

And so it is. God just totally called me out as the total control freak that I am. I just got schooled...

So what's the next step? 

What should I do now?
How do I do it?

STOP IT!

Be. Enjoy. Live. 

This is hard...
but freeing. Yes? Maybe it really is this simple. I will need reminding, God.... but consider this my white flag waving. I'm trying to quit. 

Back in the US of A

It was very sad to leave Guatemala. Danny and I arrived at El Infinito yesterday afternoon and spent the evening eating delicious vegetarian food, jamming on the guitar, and watching The Big Bang Theory with Spanish subtitles. We left this morning from the city and arrived in Houston just about the time both of our flights were departing.

Danny luckily caught another flight at 9, I however am stuck in Houston, Texas. I still can't believe there were no other flights to O'Hare after 7:15pm. Ridiculous. So I had to shell out $70 for a hotel room in Houston. The cheapest one, they told me. I slept on an air mattress for free last night, the nights before I was in a mosquito infested dormitory for 35 quetzales, which is about $4-5. But I was fine with it. US prices make me sad.

So here I am, finally alone and in the USA and reflecting on this crazy month. I got to ride back from Guatemala to Houston with a missionary named Tony. He was from Wisconsin. We chatted about life and his work in an orphanage in Guatemala and my plans to live life and be faithful to God in the process. Things are just unpredictable right now. Who knows where I will be in a few months.

I very much miss my new friends in Guatemala and I miss Danny now too! I miss my casi-novio the most. Life will move on, but the heart will lag behind. I can't believe this month is over... can not.

Leaving Xela

So Danny and I are here in Lanquín which is close to Semuc Champey. We wrapped up our Spanish schooling in Xela on Friday and had a celebratory night out, like every friday night, and had a few drinks at the school, proceeded to salsa till 1, and got super satisfying street hot dogs before bed. Danny wouldn't agree as his was coated with plastic and he ate it and then un-ate it that same night... aww sad.

Sasha, Daniel, Danny, and I headed over to Antigua on Saturday. Saying goodbye to Mamá Cony and Papá Carlos was so sad. She almost cried and I almost cried as she waved from the door as we walked away down the street. They were the most adorable and loving family I've ever met. I was happy to be able to spend one more day and night with my besties from Xela.

We got to Antigua and proceeded to watch the US play in the World Cup, played 500 (my new favorite card game) for hours, got some coffee and played Ninja in the Central Park, then we found a fair on the outskirts of town where we did awesome bumper cars, fooseball, and ate trashing carnival food. The next morning, we went and got bagel sandwiches at a great bagel shop and played some more cards. We pranced around town taking pictures and had to part ways... traveling is wonderful to meet new people but when you actually build a relationship, it sucks to have to say goodbye.

The bus ride from Antigua to Semuc, we thought was 3 hours, but it turned out to be over 8 hours long... anyway we got here and it was worth the long ride. We all hopped in the back of a pick up truck, where over a dozen were standing in the back of the truck up and down gravel roads with steep slopes on the sides. We arrived at Semuc Champey and got to wade through dark caves while we were carrying candels and trying to swim at the same time. It was amazing with random waterfalls and sketchy ladders and free climbing bits. Afterwards we jumped off a rope swing and went tubing over the shortest rapids tubing bit I've ever done in my life, but still fun. Later we hiked to the top of the look out and saw the amazing pools of green water. We got to hike down and swim in them and jump off rocks and it was great...

Now Danny and I are tired and we will drive to the city tomorrow morning. I can't believe I'll be home in less than 48 hours.

I'm sooo excited Danny's here!!

I can't believe we're almost half way into the 2nd week here. Danny just arrived on Sunday and it feels great to have another friend here to meet all the other friends I've made! We're making plans for this weekend which will be epic, but we're also enjoying the day to days.

Newest fun adventure has been starting yoga. I'm about to leave in a few minutes to go to my 2nd session ever. It's a great way to be intentional with my breath and a very spiritual way to focus. Jim Kast-Keat, you need to start the 56ers on yoga during Stop And Breath... haha.

We climbed the mountain again except jogged up it, almost died on the concrete slides with smashed pop bottles as tobagons (so fast!), and ran down it. Tomorrow is more soccer, pool, and karoake. Friday is more soccer, salsa, and more salsa.

The Guatemalan fling has come to an end. Although I greatly admire my Guatemalteco dreamboat it wasn't a good idea. I've heard so many love stories here and have been reflecting a lot on relationships in family, spouses, lovers, and friends. I am so grateful to be able to be here and to hear the stories of others.

There may or may not be an Australian with an Australian/British accent liking on me at the school. I may or may not like him back. This trip is seriously like a Tela Novela...

Comida y Cerveza

It's the end of the week. I can't believe how much Spanish I've been speaking. All the time! I am so tired by the end of the night because I'm trying so hard all day.

Yesterday our school played against another school in soccer. It was fantastic. We won 8 to 2 or something, with less people.

My mom here is amazing Mamá Cony. She feeds me like crazy. I am definitely not losing weight over here with tortillas, frijoles, queso, and endless aguacates (avacadoes) like all the time. I feel like I'm always full.

I may or may not have a Guatemalan fling going on.

Tonight we get to learn how to dance salsa. Many people from the school will head out dancing later tonight after some good Guatemalan beer. This weekend will be a lot of the World Cup and probably more cerveza.

I like it here.

Zapatos por los niños

Last night was fun. I met José Enrique and his friend Pablo last night and began sharing awesome music. I love that the topics of conversation that can make strangers friends are music, religion, and politics. However... they can also break things off rather quickly too... I must be running into some luck.

Class has been great. Jacquie, my teacher is so nice and she's 29 so we just laugh and talk the whole time. My spanish is already getting much better and I finally have a little confianza (confidence). Today we played Scrabble in Español against Heber and his student, Daniel.

After school, Heber and I went to meet his brother Rene to pass out school supplies, clothes, and zapatos (shoes) to little kids from the neighboring barrio, Chajabal. The children are very poor and Heber and his brother are starting an organization to provide scholarships of sorts, to help the kids in their education. We took the all famous Chicken Bus to the top of the mountain and there was an amazing view. It felt great to be like a typical Guatemalan and not feel like such a tourist. After passing out the gifts, we walked back down the mountain and caught a ride in the back of a pick up. I love how things here are so simple and often times quite dirty, but people are still content and friendly. It's truly inspiring. I already feel like this country is working in my heart.