It's All Futile

I began writing in this blog when I decided to return to school to pursue medicine. I looked at the future through bright eyes and saw all of the magical possibilities of life --all only a fingertip away.

I traveled to Guatemala for a month. I experienced another culture. Another part of me. I think I even wanted to fall in love. Then that month was over and the "real world" took its toll. 

My new job in the hospital was exciting at first. Working in surgery made me feel like that was where I should be. Seeing the hands of the surgeons made me envy the work that they were doing. Being amongst the many people involved with health care made me feel a part of this giant community of servants. These feelings didn't last long...

As I soaked in knowledge from my peers, observed the doctors & nurses, and shared feelings with my coworkers, I realized that the shiny diamond hospital that I had constructed in my mind had fallen to pieces before my eyes. 

The surgeons and doctors that I met revealed the ugly side of the profession: the stress, the time commitment, the lack of balance, the egomaniacs, the anger, the despair, and the infidelity. These are not a part of every doctor's life. They are even a part of other people's lives who have not sacrificed so much time and money into their career. However, I had coasted through my pre-med year thinking that I was above it all and could be different. I think I just realized that it could be me. I could see my life spiraling into that too. It made me question my motives for going into medicine. It made me doubt myself.

I found myself surrounded by people that did not understand what I was doing with my life. I was floundering for direction and people could see that. I had peers that threw me under the bus and spoke ill of me. I had people older than me looking down on me because I am young. How did I find myself in a place where people didn't like me? It hurt. It sucked. My engineering degree was hanging around my neck. I didn't need to talk about it. People knew. People didn't seem to like that part of me. Why was I in an entry level job in the hospital again? Everyone wondered. I even had to wonder. I had wanted to learn. But I wasn't prepared for that type of learning...  

I was working on a project to incorporate, ever so nicely, my education and engineering experience with my new position. I was asked to do it and was eager to use my talents and interests in a job that had quickly become routine. There were no incentives to do it, but just the determination of doing what I think God made me to do. However, being disliked for my work and being misunderstood because of it were not encouraging reasons to continue this seemingly futile work.

Through this process, I found a Masters program that seemed perfect for me. It would train me clinically and put my pre-med to use, even though I wasn't sure I even wanted to do clinical work. It would pay bank and get my loans paid off. Let's be honest, it was a stretch, but it made sense at the time. In short, I applied but a professor's reference was sent late. No word back. And yet I continued to seek out the next possibility to get out of where I was, but to put it to use so it wasn't a waste.

And here I am. Still working nights in the hospital and still clinging to the newest dream in store. I stumbled upon a degree that put a new picture in my mind. A Master of Science in Industrial Engineering and Operations Management. This program would tie in my industrial engineering work experience and desire to work in management. The hope was to use that degree to be educated in the principles that I would like to help incorporate into the healthcare field. The beauty of this program is that it does not require the GRE (which I had not taken), is only a year program, and (*drum roll please) is conveniently located in the center of the United Kingdom! This program would, ideally, satiate my desire to live abroad, to travel to Ireland, England, Spain, Italy, & Greece, and to dive back into academia (I miss it dearly). How perfect. Afterwards, I could work in a hospital in management and gain my Masters in Health Administration. The hospital would even help pay for it! What a carefully calculated plan you've come up with, Jeena! Two Masters degrees? Really? Is that necessary? Sure! I want my cake and I want to eat it. All of it. 

At this point in the long journey of seeking God's direction for my life... the good friends step in to say, "Jeena, stop planning." To which I respond, "I can't! That's what I do! I seek God's will actively. There's nothing wrong with that!" "Well Jeena, maybe you're supposed to be exactly where you are for awhile. Ever think that maybe you're supposed to be in the hospital on nights for, *gasp* maybe another year?" "No."

Even the writing of my experience is in past tense. Maybe an underlying hope that this time in my life will pass. But there is good there too! But there's bad there too. And I don't know what I'm doing with my life. So many reasons to keep planning and dreaming and hoping for something different.

...

And then, today, He spoke! God reached down into my chest and ripped out my heart. He literally heart transplanted me, all the time saying "I am in control."

The series at church has been on Ecclesiastes the past few weeks. We have been talking about how the efforts of our days are meaningless. How even the righteous might still get screwed over. How the effort and time that we put into our work might be passed along to someone who has not earned it. It all resonated with me. And then we spoke of experiencing that eternal/timeless joy of God now in our hearts and I said "Yes! I want that!" But I didn't know how. 

We continued talking about even though some things are temporary, it does not mean that they are meaningless. NOW is the time to enjoy life. And I respond with, "Yes! Okay! Now it is! And by "now" you mean after I get out of my misery and into the next bright step to my shiny future, right?"

And today, we ended the series with communion. And a prayerful release it was.

Let me share the notes that I wrote from this service:

You can't control how the wind blows, how people receive you, or what the outcome will be. The outcome of your efforts may NOT be a success. It may just blow up in your face. You are actually more POWERLESS than you might like to admit. It is in God's control.

All there is left to do is to give the gift. Acknowledge the futility. Surrender your desired outcome. Then, you are free to enjoy. Then, maybe you can help someone else. Face the possibility of your powerlessness.

Don't go charging in to solve all of the problems. Realize that you may work your whole life for a goal without your desired outcome. Having this perspective will allow you to enjoy the ride and acknowledge that it's all out of your control. 

STOP CLINGING TO YOUR PLAN. It is all about joy and a glad heart RIGHT NOW!

Are you so caught up in the outcomes that you are hindering joy? Be free now.

And so it is. God just totally called me out as the total control freak that I am. I just got schooled...

So what's the next step? 

What should I do now?
How do I do it?

STOP IT!

Be. Enjoy. Live. 

This is hard...
but freeing. Yes? Maybe it really is this simple. I will need reminding, God.... but consider this my white flag waving. I'm trying to quit.